OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
