u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Randomize
