is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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