god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
