Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
