woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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