hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
