sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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