I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
