Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
