How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
