I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I believe in your delicious
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