When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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