I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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