a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
