your parents love me but you hate me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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