Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
