I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
