I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She's the barista slut.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
