It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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