I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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