They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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