We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
