He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
