the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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