We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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