wrigley field is MILF paradise
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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