god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
did i walk over a car last night?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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