my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
