I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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