The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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