We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
