So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
smell my finger.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
