is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
