I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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