hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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