the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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