what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
we're making bets on your personal life
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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