I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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