when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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