So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
