i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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