Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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