i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
