The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
