we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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