The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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