does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
