I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
