Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
